Right now, I am incredibly frustrated. Its 12:09am and the people that I want to talk to and get some answers are asleep. I know its not worth my heartache, loss of sleep and frustration, but seriously....Isn't getting answers and fixing the problems a two way street?! I'm so tired of having to explain myself and worry about every little detail, making sure I'm not making the wrong people upset. Why? Why me? What the fuck did I do to deserve to be treated like this? I am here, trying to live my life, trying to be happy, and work through all that life has to throw at me, but WHY?! Why should I be the only one to make any freaking changes?
Sometimes I wonder if I've made the right decisions in my life. Should I really have gone to CSULB, stayed living at home and started working at Disney? Should I have dated Andy for four years and then immediately started dating Chris? Should I have gotten married? Should I have let myself get fat after my mom died? I mean, yes, all of these things have shaped me into the person I am today. They have made me stronger, and more confident. They have shown me what its like to be an adult. They have reminded me that life is unpredictable and that if you want to be happy, you have to make changes for yourself. But what if I hadnt made just one of those choices? Where would my life be? Who would I be? What would I be doing with all my days? Would I have more actively pursued a career in diving? Or nursing? Both were passions of mine when I was 18, just making all of these LIFE choices...at EIGHTEEN!
Who thought THAT was a good idea?! I didnt know a thing about life, or myself, and here I was making choices about my future? UGH... No wonder I'm at a place now where I feel lost with every step. The person that made the decisions to who I am today isnt me....I have grown and changed and become someone that sometimes I wonder if I even know who I am anymore.
All of this is normal for a married (almost) 28 year old to be feeling, right? Oh, no..Its not? Well, I should probably try and figure out what to do with my life then. I really just want someone to give me the answers...and hand over that key to happiness. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel lonely lately. I dont feel like there is anyone that I can go to with questions, concerns, thoughts. I mean there are people that I can go to on the surface. But I have some deep secrets, things that I cant share with the rest of the world. Things that I am ashamed of, and know that people will think of me differently if they knew. There are two people in this world that I feel like I can really open up to talk about them with, and both have moved away in the past 4 months. And one of them is probably one of the few people that I SHOULDN'T be talking about all of this with. The other I know has gone through some of the same things, but sometimes I feel like I cant fully say what I'm thinking. Its a trust thing. It goes back to me being a little kid, I think. Ive always had a hard time trusting people. It takes awhile for me to warm up, and open up about who I am. I guess I just dont want to be judged premarturely, but by me not speaking up, telling the world who I am, I am probably being judged for that too! Life blows sometimes.
I miss the simple life. I miss having friends that I talked to every day. I miss being happy. I miss the days when I was in LOVE with my own life. Seriously, people would ask me how I'm doing and I couldnt say a negative thing. I would tell them how awesome my job was, how much I loved my husband, how great it was having a new car, how nice it was to be in an apartment that had central air and a washer/dryer. (You know all those first world problems that I had before then). What happened to THAT Missy? Where did she go? When did she become so unhappy?
Amd while I know that I will not find the answer, as it rolls into the 0100 hour on a Friday morning, I really hope I find the answer soon, because I miss myself.
-M
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