I know that I just got done saying that I was headed off to bed, but I was looking at the statistics of people that have viewed my blog. And unless I'm mistaken, I think I've had someone from Alaska view it! I dont know ANYONE in Alaska. I dont know who you are, but I hope that you are enjoying what you're reading?! I mean, I use this mostly as an outlet for myself and my frustrations and questions that I wish I had the answers to...But I can only hope that I am helping others along their life journeys also!
April 19, 2013
FRUSTRATION and life worries.
Right now, I am incredibly frustrated. Its 12:09am and the people that I want to talk to and get some answers are asleep. I know its not worth my heartache, loss of sleep and frustration, but seriously....Isn't getting answers and fixing the problems a two way street?! I'm so tired of having to explain myself and worry about every little detail, making sure I'm not making the wrong people upset. Why? Why me? What the fuck did I do to deserve to be treated like this? I am here, trying to live my life, trying to be happy, and work through all that life has to throw at me, but WHY?! Why should I be the only one to make any freaking changes?
Sometimes I wonder if I've made the right decisions in my life. Should I really have gone to CSULB, stayed living at home and started working at Disney? Should I have dated Andy for four years and then immediately started dating Chris? Should I have gotten married? Should I have let myself get fat after my mom died? I mean, yes, all of these things have shaped me into the person I am today. They have made me stronger, and more confident. They have shown me what its like to be an adult. They have reminded me that life is unpredictable and that if you want to be happy, you have to make changes for yourself. But what if I hadnt made just one of those choices? Where would my life be? Who would I be? What would I be doing with all my days? Would I have more actively pursued a career in diving? Or nursing? Both were passions of mine when I was 18, just making all of these LIFE choices...at EIGHTEEN!
Who thought THAT was a good idea?! I didnt know a thing about life, or myself, and here I was making choices about my future? UGH... No wonder I'm at a place now where I feel lost with every step. The person that made the decisions to who I am today isnt me....I have grown and changed and become someone that sometimes I wonder if I even know who I am anymore.
All of this is normal for a married (almost) 28 year old to be feeling, right? Oh, no..Its not? Well, I should probably try and figure out what to do with my life then. I really just want someone to give me the answers...and hand over that key to happiness. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel lonely lately. I dont feel like there is anyone that I can go to with questions, concerns, thoughts. I mean there are people that I can go to on the surface. But I have some deep secrets, things that I cant share with the rest of the world. Things that I am ashamed of, and know that people will think of me differently if they knew. There are two people in this world that I feel like I can really open up to talk about them with, and both have moved away in the past 4 months. And one of them is probably one of the few people that I SHOULDN'T be talking about all of this with. The other I know has gone through some of the same things, but sometimes I feel like I cant fully say what I'm thinking. Its a trust thing. It goes back to me being a little kid, I think. Ive always had a hard time trusting people. It takes awhile for me to warm up, and open up about who I am. I guess I just dont want to be judged premarturely, but by me not speaking up, telling the world who I am, I am probably being judged for that too! Life blows sometimes.
I miss the simple life. I miss having friends that I talked to every day. I miss being happy. I miss the days when I was in LOVE with my own life. Seriously, people would ask me how I'm doing and I couldnt say a negative thing. I would tell them how awesome my job was, how much I loved my husband, how great it was having a new car, how nice it was to be in an apartment that had central air and a washer/dryer. (You know all those first world problems that I had before then). What happened to THAT Missy? Where did she go? When did she become so unhappy?
Amd while I know that I will not find the answer, as it rolls into the 0100 hour on a Friday morning, I really hope I find the answer soon, because I miss myself.
-M
Sometimes I wonder if I've made the right decisions in my life. Should I really have gone to CSULB, stayed living at home and started working at Disney? Should I have dated Andy for four years and then immediately started dating Chris? Should I have gotten married? Should I have let myself get fat after my mom died? I mean, yes, all of these things have shaped me into the person I am today. They have made me stronger, and more confident. They have shown me what its like to be an adult. They have reminded me that life is unpredictable and that if you want to be happy, you have to make changes for yourself. But what if I hadnt made just one of those choices? Where would my life be? Who would I be? What would I be doing with all my days? Would I have more actively pursued a career in diving? Or nursing? Both were passions of mine when I was 18, just making all of these LIFE choices...at EIGHTEEN!
Who thought THAT was a good idea?! I didnt know a thing about life, or myself, and here I was making choices about my future? UGH... No wonder I'm at a place now where I feel lost with every step. The person that made the decisions to who I am today isnt me....I have grown and changed and become someone that sometimes I wonder if I even know who I am anymore.
All of this is normal for a married (almost) 28 year old to be feeling, right? Oh, no..Its not? Well, I should probably try and figure out what to do with my life then. I really just want someone to give me the answers...and hand over that key to happiness. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel lonely lately. I dont feel like there is anyone that I can go to with questions, concerns, thoughts. I mean there are people that I can go to on the surface. But I have some deep secrets, things that I cant share with the rest of the world. Things that I am ashamed of, and know that people will think of me differently if they knew. There are two people in this world that I feel like I can really open up to talk about them with, and both have moved away in the past 4 months. And one of them is probably one of the few people that I SHOULDN'T be talking about all of this with. The other I know has gone through some of the same things, but sometimes I feel like I cant fully say what I'm thinking. Its a trust thing. It goes back to me being a little kid, I think. Ive always had a hard time trusting people. It takes awhile for me to warm up, and open up about who I am. I guess I just dont want to be judged premarturely, but by me not speaking up, telling the world who I am, I am probably being judged for that too! Life blows sometimes.
I miss the simple life. I miss having friends that I talked to every day. I miss being happy. I miss the days when I was in LOVE with my own life. Seriously, people would ask me how I'm doing and I couldnt say a negative thing. I would tell them how awesome my job was, how much I loved my husband, how great it was having a new car, how nice it was to be in an apartment that had central air and a washer/dryer. (You know all those first world problems that I had before then). What happened to THAT Missy? Where did she go? When did she become so unhappy?
Amd while I know that I will not find the answer, as it rolls into the 0100 hour on a Friday morning, I really hope I find the answer soon, because I miss myself.
-M
April 17, 2013
Changing my look
I think it's time for a new look for the blog. I mean, if I'm going to start writing more, I want it to be something pretty to look at, right? If/when I have free time... I will start looking for new templates and stuff.
On a side note with the new look... I weighed myself this morning and came in at 148. That is a full 40 pounds lighter than what I remember being at my heaviest! Talk about a whole new look! And I feel amazing. My body seems to always have energy and I feel like I can take on the world. I am going to start going to yoga classes here in this next week. They were classes I always enjoyed when I took them at 24 hour fitness, but then I canceled my membership. So now, I've bought a groupon for unlimited for a month, and this place also gives one week free to new members. And there is another place that does 20 days for $20. That is also a good deal! There are almost always yoga deals on living social, groupon, etc, but once your time is up, the class packages are expensive. So maybe I will just be able to keep buying the "specials" hahaha. I'm hoping the yoga will help withy core strength. I follow all these yogis on Instagram and they inspire me to want to be as flexible, and as strong as they are!
I've included a then and now picture... Holy crap!! When I was that big, I never realized how big I was!! I'm so happy with how my body looks now! Now wait til I get stronger and leaner!!
On a side note with the new look... I weighed myself this morning and came in at 148. That is a full 40 pounds lighter than what I remember being at my heaviest! Talk about a whole new look! And I feel amazing. My body seems to always have energy and I feel like I can take on the world. I am going to start going to yoga classes here in this next week. They were classes I always enjoyed when I took them at 24 hour fitness, but then I canceled my membership. So now, I've bought a groupon for unlimited for a month, and this place also gives one week free to new members. And there is another place that does 20 days for $20. That is also a good deal! There are almost always yoga deals on living social, groupon, etc, but once your time is up, the class packages are expensive. So maybe I will just be able to keep buying the "specials" hahaha. I'm hoping the yoga will help withy core strength. I follow all these yogis on Instagram and they inspire me to want to be as flexible, and as strong as they are!
I've included a then and now picture... Holy crap!! When I was that big, I never realized how big I was!! I'm so happy with how my body looks now! Now wait til I get stronger and leaner!!
Forgotten
Since my last post was in 2011, I can honestly say that I forgot about the blog for a really really long time. But lately I've needed an outlet. Somewhere to get my thoughts out. It probably won't be grammatically correct, and might offend people, and you might worry about my happiness, but please know that these are just things that are going through my head, at that moment in time and not necessarily during every moment in time. Good night world. Until we meet again.
December 06, 2011
Lost, but not forgotten....
Sometimes I think about writing here, but don't feel like I really have much to say. So its not that I have forgotten about you, my few subscribers, its just I don't really know what to talk about. Is there anything particular you want me to keep you updated on? I figure it may be more useful when Chris and I finally start our family.... But until then, I don't know what to say.
September 09, 2011
3 years
I cant believe that Chris and I have actually been married for THREE years!! (Well, it will be three years next Tuesday) I guess they do say, "Time flies when you're having fun." But seriously, it feels like just yesterday that I was wearing my wedding dress and professing my love in front of our family and friends. As Chris is asleep and snoring next to me I think about how much I love him and all the time that we have been here to support each other. We have had ups and downs, good times and bad....But in the end what really matters is that we have each other. I cant wait to expand our family, eventually. Have little Harper babies running around as we show them the ways of the world. But for now in this moment, Chris and I will be here with each other enjoying each other and what we have to offer the other. He makes me happy and reminds me that true love does exist. I sincerely hope that everyone gets to experience the same type of love that we have, at least once in their life. It really does make life better..... For now, I need help deciding what we should do to celebrate our day.
August 07, 2011
Zion and Bryce Canyon National Parks
I just went with Shelly and a few of her friends to go hiking in 2 of our national parks. And when I say I just went, I mean, I am still sitting in the back of the car on my way home. Anyway, seeing beauty of our country makes me want to see all of our national parks. Hopefully I can convince Chris to go camping/hiking with me to visit more of these parks. I bought a book the other day at Borders' going out of business sale about national parks of the west. That might ne a good place to start on my exploration of this county. We are going to be staying in Vegas tonight and finishing the long trek home tomorrow. I'll have more pictures once I get home, but for now, here is one from sunrise this morning.
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